It has been a few weird days emotionally for me. I feel like I am in this weird mental zone where I am always tired, life just seems to get to that certain point where you are wondering if what you are doing is the right thing for your future. It can be hard to explain especially over the internet but there would be people out there who would understand.
I think these thoughts started on Sunday when I went shopping, yes it is a weird place to be when you start to realise that you are not mentally healthy at the moment, but I had a trigger point that set me off. I was walking around buying groceries with my Mum when I saw a Father’s Day stand with cards, it was innocent but it made me realise that this will be the first Father’s Day without my Dad. It is hard to experience first’s i.e Christmas, Birthday etc after the death of a loved one. These emotions were present at Christmas last year and my Dad’s Birthday in February but for Father’s Day it feels different, unusual and unfair.
To be honest, I am dreading Father’s Day because it is a particular occasion where all Dad’s are celebrated, which also means I will see all of the Facebook posts and the Twitter posts from people having lunch or spending the day with their Dad’s. I am not bitter that this is the case, I just feel sad because I know I will never be able to see or speak or thank my Dad in person for what he has done for me and what he gave up to make me happy in life.
Some days I wish that a clock could be wound back to a time where life was happy with my Dad in it, where I could hug my Dad for the last time and tell him I love him once more.